Prelude

...You know how sometimes you read a book and there’s a little intro, to give you a background story, well this first blog is a prelude of my dating past. After all you can't know where you're going, if you don't know where you're coming from so here goes. 

Once Upon A Time,  when I was in 6th grade I dated my very first boyfriend. Our “relationship” lasted all through middle school and like most middle school relationships, my relationship or rather my boyfriend was nothing short of a persona accessory. So, why even mention it? ...well because my middle school boyfriend, Adam (names have been changed for the sake of protecting the innocent) is the only ‘official’ boyfriend I have ever had. I know what you're thinking cause trust me I’ve been thinking it these past few years, FAIL!!! To my defense though I've "dated" (and I use the word loosely) a good amount of guys in college, sadly (well at least for some) none of these flings have ever amounted to anything close to a relationship - but more on this later. For now let's get back to where it all started. Adam. 

Adam's sister was my cousins best friend - it was a classic tale of boy meets girl, a teenage love affair. We would call each other every day, talking for hours on end about absolutely nothing. Even though I don’t remember having butterflies for my only boyfriend, I remember he was practically my best friend. He always remembered my birthday and never was uninspired when it came to grand gestures of affection. In spite of him being practically the perfect boyfriend, I grew bored and ended up dumping him in the worst possible way. I remember thinking at the time no worries we’ll find another one, a BETTER one in time and well... I was SERIOUSLY! mistaken. Years have come and gone and I still haven’t found anyone remotely close to Mr. Right. Let me just say hell hath no fury like karma cause my ex-boyfriend went on to do much 'better' things, while my love life - as it was and as it is; came to a standstill. I didn’t appreciate a good thing, when I had it and as much as I’d like to think I do now, I still don’t.

Girls always talk unrelentingly about just wanting a guy that's got it together but when it comes down to it I don't think most of us really do. Rather we want the untouchable perfect guy and at times the unrealistic guy. The truth of the matter is I’m not ‘perfect,’ yet somehow I still believe I deserve the Mr. perfect... That's right; he's got to be intellectual, cultured, charismatic, ambitious (that's if he's not already successful) and but of course be good looking. And ooohhh let's not forget he's also got to have a great fashion sense, the same sense of humor, a good social life and good group of friends. My point is I could go on with this list till kingdom come. I’ll admit - I have a guy shopping list. The problem with this though is that it's starting to hurt me more than it has helped me. My mental list has become an excuse to disqualify a lot of guys before I’ve even given them the chance.

And as much as I preach about the perfect guy, when I look at my dating history I’ve been anything but true to it. Before I tell you about my next pivotal ‘unofficial’ relationship it’s necessary to tell you that I do not have "daddy issues". I was raised in a house where my father loved my mother and to the best of my knowledge has been and continues to be faithful to her. However let's face it, gone are the rules of courtship that existed during our parents' generation. That said my ideology on guys and how they treat woman have been unfortunately influenced by the 21st century bachelor. Courtesy of friends, cousins and let's not forget my brother; my modern day perception of relationships, the male species and of course L-O-V-E; has been forced to evolve. Long story short, my observations over the years have made it hard for me to trust guys with my heart.

Nonetheless, this gold standard of mine went disastrously out the window the moment John Tucker came along. John was everything but my type. We were polar opposites. He was the epitome of the type of guy that I did not want or so I thought. I don't know if it was the ego boost I got from him pursuing me, the excitement of something thrillingly different or just the allure of a bad boy; either way I was inexplicably drawn to him. For the months, I listened to John lie to me despite my  better judgment, turning the blind eye to any red flags that popped up. I remember there were times when I even rationed that if he was cheating, it was my fault for declining to put an official title on our relationship. Fact of the matter is we were exclusive, John knew it and more importantly I knew it.  For some time I hated John for having made me girlfriend number 2, to what should then have been his ex-girlfriend. He made me out to be the fool I swore to never be. 

The truth of it all was I let myself down. After John I promised myself that I will never let in another John Tucker and true to form I haven’t. Only problem is... it’s not only the John Tuckers of this world I have not been letting in. For the longest time I wanted to null and void that time of my life of all the unrelenting idiocy I exhibited during my John phase but I’ve come to realize my crazy stupid relationship showed me a lot. It showed me what I didn’t want from a relationship.

Now that I’m 22 going on the dreaded 23 and still in still in search of my perfect guy, I’m starting to realize that a lot of the decisions I've made as far as guys are concerned have been misplaced. If I’m not ruling them out as bad guys, I’m ruling them out as not good enough or finding reasons as to why we could never work out. Lol you would think my pickiness would have dwindled with the years. It hasn’t. Looking back now although my relationship with Adam was naïve, and we absolutely did not end up like Cory and Topanga. I have never regretted our past. And for that Adam, without even knowing it, has given me hope; for not only for guys but also for myself, as girlfriend.  We may not have been great together but we were good, we worked.

Now more than ever I want just good again - well at least until my Mr. Big ;) comes along. And although I'm not throwing out the list, I just want to be happy with someone again. I want to be in a mature romantic relationship. And as much as I hate the idea of being 'helplessly' :-\ in love, I ultimately want to and need to experience that first love... cause at the end of the day, life is honestly what you make it and this girl is done sitting around waiting for Mr. Perfect to fall from heaven, so until he does - let the dating begin.

XO Evie Sappho